Mourning my Mornings

Everyone told me my time would come, but I was so busy rushing those boys to grow up I didn't pay any attention to them. But my time is here. I miss my boys being little and staying home full time with them.

Zack is in First Grade and Carter is in Pre-K full time and I miss them. I miss being in charge, deciding what time they should wake up and what we will do all day. I drove by what is lovingingly referred to as the "McNasty" on Whitlock and I yearned for all of the playdates after preschool. It seemed like at the time that I felt controled by my circumstances, but now that I look back on them, my circumstances where my freedom.

Now I am regulated by all of our schools. What time I can drop someone off, pick them up, when I need to go to class. And I have signed on for this for the REST OF MY LIFE. I know I am headed where God needs me to be, but sometimes I just feel lonely for motherhood. I have loved being a mother and I know my job is far from over. I will mother those boys the rest of my life.

Carter has been giving me a hard time in the mornings. The school he is going to is completely new to both of us. And they do many things different from our old school. Michael said "Michelle, no school except for Weekday will ever live up to your standards." and I think he is right. I feel so blessed that for so long I had my children in an environment that was nuturing, loving and of course educational. They are now in the "public" setting. I am the biggest supporter of public education, but the loss of control I feel is a little unsettling.

But God didn't give me these boys to control. He gave them to me to raise and to teach them how to be independent men of God. I need God to help me let go of them, but cherish the stage in life they are in. I need to look forward to the next stages in life...baseball, boy scouts, reading, writing, friends, etc. etc.

Thank you God for giving me two precious boys to love and to honor You by raising them the way you have commanded me.

Do you hear that? Me neither!

My house is so quiet. Both the boys are at school today. You would think I would be excited, but I do NOT like being alone!! I start classes a week from today and I'm sure I will be wishing for a week like this. I have some very exciting things lined up:

• clean my closet
• clean the dining room (also known as the catch all room)
• put away laundry
• clean out my car then go have it cleaned, because it needs a professionals attention
• and if I do all my "chores" maybe I'll treat myself to a pedicure!!!

So here are some pictures from our last few days of summer and then of course the first day of school!!!!

This is a picture of the boys with our neighbor "Mr. Alan". He spent the summer throwing my boys high into the air and every now and then convinced his friends to get in on the action!! Thanks "Mr. Alan"!!!

UP UP AND AWAY!!!

Friday night Michael and I had a date at our usual stomping grounds, Taco Mac. And this was a VERY special occasion because I made it to 125 beers!! That means I am an official Passport Member!! I get to drink out of the "big mug" and my name will be on the wall plaque...my mother will be so proud!!! Yes, those are our bartenders, Bob and Annette, and yes I buy them a Christmas present.

We spent some time Saturday on Marietta Square...it was a beautiful day!
And back to school...

Carter wouldn't let me take his picture. He feels about like his mommy does about waking up!!! All on our own time!!!

Okay, so it's not even 10:30 am and I am already avoiding my chores...I better get to it!!!

Conquering fear

I have been relatively quiet on my blog not only because of the business of life, but we have had a roadblock come up in our happy little family. I don't feel comfortable putting it out there for the world to read because I need to protect my family. But let me say this I was given a HUGE wake up call when it comes to the safety of my children. I no longer am taking for granted that there are always nice people around to help me protect my children. So because of what happened I have been deeply upset and unable to sit still. Well, all of the things I have had going on are over and it is time for me to face the music. God really does need me to be still and listen.

I have had amazing support, between my sweet precious husband who only wants to see his family heal, to my sisters, parents, in-laws and my dear precious friends. But even with all of this love and support the fear that has sat inside of me has almost consumed me. The feeling that I failed as a mother, protector has taken root and won't let go. So my options have been plow through or go get professional help.

So stay with me here...
We have been taking our boys to the lake since they where little bitty. This is Zack's 4th summer getting behind a boat in some fashion. But at the beginning of the summer something clicked in his little head and he decided he could not do this right now. We never pushed him, just gently reminded him how much fun he had in the past on the tube and asked everytime we where out on the water if he wanted to try, he would say "no".
Well, this past weekend he decided he was going to do it. I looked over and his little hands where shaking he was so nervous. My heart was beating wildly. I know the fear that he had and I wanted him to break free of it and go back to enjoying the tube. Whatever had taken hold of him, I wanted it to let go! He rode that tube, it was slow, but he did it. I was so extremely proud of him that I just burst into tears. Then not only did he ride that tube, he started acting goofy and having a great time. He's not riding wild around the lake yet, but he will get there.

So back to me...
Last night after almost a week and a half away from home, away from the problems that surrounded me, away from the fear that had taken root, I heard God tell me to be quiet and listen. This always makes me anxious, because when God has to tell me loudly to listen He has something major to tell me. I have also learned that when God asks me to do something and I am obedient, I am always blessed.

I started my prayers last night and begged God to take this fear. I do not want to live a life in fear anymore. Last night as I sat in the quiet, I meditated on my children. These two wonderful blessings that God gave me. I heard clearly God tell me to pray with my children. That's all I heard, for me to pray with my children. I told God that I would obey and I fell asleep quickly and hard. When I woke up I remembered what God asked me to do. So later that day I got Zack alone in my room and we talked about how courageous he was to get on that tube. I told him that I wanted to be courageous too and that I would like for us to pray and ask God to take the fear away from me. And my sweet little boy sat there and prayed with me and held my hands and together we asked God to give us courage.

Over the past few weeks I have not been able to go alone in public with just my children. I have always needed someone with me. But today I did it. I went to Publix and Target, just me and my boys. And it felt good. God took my fear and He gave me freedom. Trust and obey.

"I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 34:4

Time for a Little Quiet

It has been almost a month since my last post!! Life has been crazy...

I have finished the semester, I think this one will go down in history as the most annoying semester EVER!!! We went to the beach for a week (awesome), I worked on and attended my 15 year high school reunion, I recovered from my 15 year reunion, stared at my dearest friend Laura that is pregnant with twins, I have discovered Facebook (I know I am a late bloomer), traveled to Nashville to meet my new baby nephew (yum) and now I am here at the lake.

I have to admit I'm ready for some quiet. We have a week until Monday that the kiddos go back to school (ugh) and then a week after that I go back. I'd love to fantasize about what this coming week is going to be like. Trips to the pool, reading a book, but I know that is not going to happen. I know God needs me to be quiet. He is having a hard time getting through to me with all of the busy signals.